Under Paris (Sous la Seine), 2024, Dir. Xavier Gens, 101 mins, Netflix
I can only imagine that the quality of recent film-making, certainly as far as summer popcorn movies is concerned, has fallen off a cliff so badly of late that viewers are somehow championing this film as a great entertainment and comparing it positively with Jaws. “One of the best shark movies ever made” gushes one, “new shark movie Under Paris can rival Jaws“ claims another, “new shark movie that’s being called 10/10″ trumpets another. Utter nonsense. Maybe film criticism has thrown itself over the cliff rushing after those blockbuster debacles. People actually praise this tosh? Maybe its an indication of the decline of Western Civilization.
Sophia (Berenice Bejo) is a marine scientist whose team is tracking a shark near Hawaii; having tagged the shark as an infant (naming her Lilith) a few years prior, they are puzzled by the huge size of the adult shark and their investigation turns to tragedy when the shark turns on the scientists, slaughtering four of the team and leaving Sophia badly injured. Yep, a tragedy to haunt our heroine and set her on a trail for redemption three years later when she’s working in Paris and discovers that Lilith is now hunting in the Seine (I know what you’re thinking Sophia, of all the rivers in all the world, why does it have to be this one? ), just when Paris is about to host the 2024 World Triathlon Championships on the Seine. Sophia reluctantly joins forces with Adil (Nassim Lyes) of the French police’s River Brigade and discovers that Lilith is a newly-evolved super shark that has bred a nursery of dozens of other super sharks threatening not just Paris, but civilization itself if these finned horrors get out into open ocean.
Under Paris is silly nonsense that reverts to too many clichés and tropes in a script that just gets sillier and lazier by the minute, quickly bordering on parody and then finally shifting into an apocalyptic End of the World movie from out of absolutely nowhere. From the mayor ignoring warnings of a killer shark, to the shark leaving a trail of bright yellow buoys in its wake, there’s all sorts of nods to Spielberg’s classic film that are likely intended to put a smile on viewer’s faces but instead induce groans of pain. Characterisation is the very definition of paper-thin and its environmental message pretty confusing, not helped by the most irritating and insufferable eco-warriors I think I’ve ever seen in a movie. Sharks don’t hurt people, they cry, we have to save Lilith! Don’t these young idiots watch the news? Or old Spielberg movies?
Okay, its only a shark movie… leave your brain in the other room…. I know, the usual arguments to excuse rubbish like this. In a city of millions and one of the busiest major tourist centres/rivers in the world, nobody seems to have noticed a giant shark swimming up and down or feeding on unfortunate locals? The authorities organise a World Triathlon Championship in a river lined with enough explosive old war ordinance to destroy every bridge and trigger a tsunami big enough to flood the city? I don’t think I’ve been quite so insulted since I watched the last bare-brained Netflix flick on a wasted Saturday night. Funniest line of the night was at the end when one character asked of the other “Is it over?” and the credits mercifully came up in answer.
I think Under Paris is the best recent argument outside of Disney Star Wars to sack all human screenwriters and give AI a chance. It can’t be any worse, surely?
the ghost of 82 