The Secret Guild of Movie-Writers

The Secret Guild of Movie-Writers

Episode 1: Stupidly Treking Into Darkness

Mere days after the release of J.J.Abrams’ Star Trek reboots the franchise to huge success, three key members of the Guild of Movie-Writers (we’ll call them Misters A, B and, er, C) meet to discuss plans for the follow-up-

Mr A. Well gentlemen, its official- Paramount have contacted JJ and they want a sequel pronto. Any ideas?

Mr B. Well, I have an idea. I was looking at my girlfriends DVD collection-

Mr C. I always said, the best place for ideas is a DVD collection…(Mr A nods sagely)

Mr B. –yes, well, I saw this disc on the shelf, it was Star Trek 2: The Wrath of… er, Wotisname…

Mr A. Hmmm. I think I know the one you mean…

Mr B. Yeah, its supposed to be a fan favourite, and the critics quite liked it. Maybe we could use that. I mean, its movie #2 and everything, its like a perfect fit. Does half our work for us. And if the fans liked it the first time, they’ll love it the second time, right? I mean, its, like, the ‘Golden Law of Hollywood Sequel-making’ or something isn’t it? Give it ’em once, give it ’em twice, give it ’em thrice!

Mr C. Yeah, we could. The beauty of these reboots is that you can freely remake…

Mr A. I hate that word. ‘Remake‘ is such a dirty word. I prefer ‘re-imagine’

Mr C.  -ahem, I mean, find inspiration from other  peoples brighter ideas. Its not a if we even had to create characters for that first film, it was all done for us. Fantastic. Did that script in a weekend. Wotisname… er, Kang was it? He could be a cool villain. We could lift whole scenes from that movie, maybe twist things around a bit, obviously. It ain’t a remake or anything. Maybe make Kang a woman maybe! Or British!

Mr B. I dunno, I thought Kang was some kind of Oriental Super Soldier in the tv show. British?

Mr C. The best villains are British, everyone knows that.

Mr A. Well, I had a cool dream last night about the Enterprise racing around underwater.

Mr B. What? But it’s a spaceship, not a bloody submarine.

Mr C. That’s my fault. Well, I was telling him the other day about Cameron setting Avatar 2 in the Ocean…

Mr A. Well, there was big fire-breathing dragons chasing the Enterprise under the sea to Beatles music, but that’s not important. You see, I had this cool image of the Enterprise rising out of the sea. Really. It was so cool even in my dream I thought, wow, beauty-shot for trailer!

Mr B. Yeah, that’s true, the marketing boys would love that for their trailer. Wonder how we fit that into our film though?

Mr C. Well Bond had pre-credit action scenes, and JJ had one in Trek with Kirks daddy biting the Big One. So we have a big, big pre-credit action sequence, loads of explosions and shouting and CG shit. Yeah, cap it off with the Enterprise rising out of the sea and escaping into space. Bingo! Blow 20% of the fx budget. Mega-CG quota filled in first ten minutes, the geeks will be wetting themselves for more. Genius!

Mr B. But I still don’t know why they are in the sea, sounds stupid, it’s a space movie, after-all…

Mr C. Nah, they’ll love it! No-one expects an under-water Space movie! The Enterprise in the sea- like Voyage to the Bottom of the Sea man, I loved that show! Yeah. Man, I always said you don’t need to know jackshit about Trek to write a Star Trek movie.

Mr B. Well, the success of this first one proved that.

Mr C. Yeah. Infact, it proved that the best person to write a Star Trek movie is someone who knows nada about Star Trek. I never watched any of those ‘sixties shows. Not one. I said to JJ, “JJ, I’m your man! I don’t know my Kirk from my Yoga,

Mr A. Yoda.

Mr C. Yeah, Yoda. I said, “JJ I’m perfect for your project!”  Actually I said the same to Ridley the other day, he’s canvassing ideas for a new Alien movie and I think I got the gig. I said, “Ridley, I never seen your Alien tv show and I couldn’t tell you when it last aired, but I got this idea about ten-foot tall bald guys ruling the universe…”

Mr B. But I still don’t know what a spaceship is doing being a submarine…the Trekkies will go nuts. When you had the Enterprise being built in the desert in that first one, a lot of them wanted to know what the hell happened to the Space Dock in that Motion Picture.

Mr C. Ah, screw ’em. Don’t worry about the Trekkies. I saw this review the other day for Star Trek. It said, “A Star Trek movie for everyone who doesn’t like Star Trek!” man that dude nailed it. Screw the Trekkies. What they got to do with it?

Mr A. “Keep it secret, keep its safe!” (Giggles) I love that man, that gay wizard is so cool.

Mr B.What? Is that Tolkien?

Mr C. Peter Jackson.

Mr A. “Keep it secret. Keep it safe!” Its a spy mission or something. The Enterprise is on a cloak and dagger mission and its hiding in the sea!

Mr B. But that doesn’t make sense. Surely the best way to keep hidden is stay in orbit and beam the crew down.

Mr C. What? What are you talking about?

Mr B. Well, you’re trying to tell me that flying from deep space into a planets atmosphere, re-entry and everything, and then crashing into the ocean and somehow flying around down there is quieter or more secret or safer than just staying up in orbit… well, the Trekkies won’t buy it for a second. Beam the crew down like they did in the tv show. In this last movie, you beamed people from one planet to a ship in warp and that’s already got plenty of Trekkies in a hissy fit, I seen those forums, This underwater stuff…

Mr C. Ah, screw ’em. Infact, I say we give those cretins the finger and beam someone from one end of the galaxy to the other, see what they make of that!

Mr A. Well, there you go! Settled then. We start with the Enterprise on a mission in the ocean and get it into space in a big jaw-dropping fx shot. And Mr.C, I think you’re onto something with that beaming across the galaxy thing. We could use that when the Kang guy has to make a dastardly exit. Cut out all that using a spaceship nonsense. That’s so old.

Mr B. How the hell does that work anyway? You beam someone instantly across light years of space that takes a spaceship at Warp 9 hours or even days or weeks. Where’s the mechanism, the power, how the hell does it even work?

Mr C. Yeah, well, that’s nothing, I’m all for having a space battle at warp-speed, you know, in that Hyper-Space or whatever they call it. Imagine how cool the CG fx wil be with all that glowing swirling space stuff and laser guns going badda! badda! badda! It’ll be like a spaceship gunfight on acid. Lucas will be choking on his cornflakes, it’ll piss all over his old Star Wars rubbish. Star Trek is so rock and roll man.We’re gonna make Star Wars look like some old black and white movie.

Mr B. Spaceships dogfighting in Hyper-Space? They REALLY ain’t gonna let you get away with that.

Mr C. We can get away with anything. Trust me, as long as the editing is tight and the sound is loud and the fx are bright and trippy the audience won’t even have time to think, they’ll be in a goggle-eyed trance chewing up all the eye candy. Transformers movies have been doing it for years. So we have the Enterprise in the sea, Kang beaming himself across the galaxy, a space-dogfight at Warp speed… oh yeah, Simon Pegg screaming “she canna hold together Captain!” we gotta do that, Simon’s so funny.

Mr A. I’ll tell you what else we need. Klingons. We didn’t have ’em in the first movie, they gotta be in the second.

Mr B. I don’t know, that Wrath of Kang/Wotsisname movie didn’t have Klingons in it, not that I remember anyway.

Mr A. Well, I tell you what. When Kang beams himself across the galaxy, hows about he lands on Krypton?

Mr B. Krypton? Don’t you mean Klingon?

Mr A. Klingon! Klingon yeah, I don’t know, all this geek stuff is so confusing. So he goes to Planet Klingon and Kirk has to chase over there and capture him and yeah, has to kick some Klingon ass to do it! Cool. More fighting, explosions. CG fx.

Mr C. Hey, I don’t mind telling you guys, this is sounding like one cool bloody movie. I’m talking Oscar here, no really. All we need is some pathos to mix with the flash-bang stuff.  How about we make Kang a terrorist, that’s hip at the moment. Everybody knows every quality bad guy these days has to be a terrorist blowing shit up. Lets have him blow up StarFleet. No. Paris! No. London!

Mr A. I hate London. I had a holiday with the wife there a few years ago, pissed down all week and the people kinda smelled funny. Lousy, dirty, really ugly place, yeah, I vote we blow up London. And maybe have Kang kill someone Kirk knows. Make it personal.

Mr B. Well, that Pike guy is like a mentor to him, I suppose we could bring him back into it, have Kang kill him, or put him in  that floating wheelchair.

Mr C. Wheelchair?

Mr B. The Menagerie. One of the tv episodes, nevermind, I guess its not important. So we get Kirk all vengeful. ‘Star Trek With A Vengeance!’, sounds like a good title.

Mr C. Can’t use that,  Willis did something like that. Maybe ‘Wrath of Kirk’, yeah, that would put a clever spin on the original?

Mr B. I dunno, maybe we should have a script before we have a title. Lets carry on.

Mr A. That second film. Didn’t they kill Spock in that?

Mr C. You’re kidding. They killed Spock?

Mr A. Well, yeah, they brought him back from the dead in the next one, obviously, but yeah, they killed Spock.

Mr B. I don’t know, if we kill Pike and then we kill Spock, Kirk’s gonna be pretty pissed off with Kang, it’ll be all Apocalypse Now or something, really really dark, like,  a Journey Into Darkness…

Mr A. Perfect. Star Trek Into Darkness!

Mr B. Does that even make sense?

Mr A. Who cares? We kill Pike and Spock, and then Kirk goes all Rambo in the Jungle after Kang. Yeah, I can feel that Oscar in my sweaty paw already. Sweet. That Chris Pine guy will love us. He’ll be able to frown and emote and shout and scream and over-act. Actors love all that.

Mr C. Or maybe… maybe we kill Kirk instead of Spock. Yeah, stay with me on this, think about it. We do the death scene like in that original movie, only… switch it, yeah? You know, its a reboot, not a remake, yeah? The same… but different?

Mr A. That’s so clever man I wish I’d thought of it. And that Spock actor can go all hell-for-leather crazy and scream and rage ‘cos he loves Kirk and… yeah, I know, we gotta be subtle with it but everyone knows the gay fans are a huge deal ticket-wise and Kirk and Spock are like, secret lovers or something… What? What are you looking at me like that for?

Mr B. You gotta be kidding me.

Mr C. I like it. I thinks its got Pathos. I got tears in my eyes already just thinking about it. It’ll be like the scene in Romeo and Juliet, we’ll bring the house down, even the Trekkies will be bawling their eyes out

Mr B. I’m sure they will. Spock is a Vulcan, zero emotions, remember? And besides, they hardly know each other. The beauty of that Wrath of kang movie was that the characters shared a decades-long friendship, the actors in real-life and the characters with years together in the story, years of adventures, through thick and thin. When Spock sacrificed himself in that movie it was a big deal, all the tv series and stuff. But in our reboot, well they haven’t even started the five-year mission yet.

Mr C. What are you talking about? Seriously, do you know anything about writing movies?

Mr B. But we have to be honest to the tv show, the franchise, we can’t just piss all over it.

Mr A. Did you even see the first movie? Man, when Mr C said bring you along into this because you’d seen a few episodes I thought it might be a good idea, save hiring that Research Girl with those funny glasses, but I dunno. I don’t think you are at all serious about this entire enterprise.

Mr C (snigger) That’s funny. I see what you did there.

Mr B. You guys are crazy. Kill Kirk? He’s the star of the movie. You’ll never get away with it.

Mr A. We will if we press the reset button and bring Kirk back from the dead, get our two lover-boys back together for movie three.

Mr C. Magic blood.

Mr B. What?

Mr C. We bring a dead Tribble back to life with magic blood and McCoy see’s it, and being a smart doctor and everything, says, bingo, lets inject Kirk with this magic blood.

Mr B. Magic Blood? Are you crazy?

Mr A. Well, maybe its Kang’s blood or something. He’s a superhuman or something, yes? Maybe it gives Kirk superpowers for movie three!

Mr C. Not bad, not bad. Maybe he can have X-ray vision and ogle all the broads…

Mr B. But this death scene, what’s Kirk doing down in Engineering fixing the ship? Isn’t he supposed to be fighting Kang? Where’s Scotty, he’s the guy always fixing the engines.

Mr A. Well, maybe we sack him, or he quits. Get him off the ship somehow anyway.

Mr C. I don’t know, I like that Simon fella. He’s funny.

Mr A. Oh, we’ll bring him back, maybe Kirk can call him from Klingon and Scotty will re-join the team. Only not in time to fix the engines, obviously.

Mr B. What, Kirk just dials his phone and calls Scotty who is across the galaxy having a coffee searching the classifieds for a new job?

Mr C. Sure. Smartphones are even smarter in the future, remember.

Mr B. But that’s just crazy. You are already beaming people across the galaxy, and now you’re ringing across the cosmos, chatting to someone over on Earth for help, with just a communicator. What the hell does Kirk need Uhura for if he’s dialing Earth for help on his own communicator? And won’t there be any time delay? I suppose you are saying the conversation’s in real-time across all those light-years?

Mr A. You’re just being picky, the kids will love it.

Mr B. But you’re creating plot-holes for every future Trek movie. Every time anyone is in any trouble, they’ll just need to ring Starfleet back home and get them to send in help.

Mr A. Actually this gives me an idea. Lets throw those Trekkies a bone. They like that Lennie Nimmoy fella don’t they? You know, he plays that old Spock that’s hanging around. How about we get him in the action again? Lets get our ‘new’ Spock to ring him up for a bit of advice during the movie.

Mr B. You’re kidding me. Spock give the old Spock a call for a quick chat? During all the action I suppose, tips on how to nail Kang.

Mr A. Yeah, that’s it. Now you’re getting it. That’s great man. He can tell our Spock about Kang’s Kryptonite. You know, his weakness, his Achilles heel.

Mr B. But every time in future Trek movies when they encounter something like the Doomsday Machine or something, Spock will be able to give the old Spock a ring and ask his advice.

Mr A. Doomsday Machine? That sounds good. Think we can fit one of them in this movie?

Mr B. This is going to be the stupidest thing ever.

Mr C. You crazy, Mr B. This things going to be the biggest, most successful Star Trek ever! Trust us, we know what we’re doing! Get the word processor out, Mr A, and set it for Stun!

Mr A. Thats Stun as in STUNNING Mr C!

Mr C. Right on, brother! JJ’s gonna love this….

Bigger, Louder, Dumber, Safer: Iron Man 3 Reaches the All-Time Top Five.

iron3Well, there’s no accounting for taste.

According to Box Office Mojo, the online tracker of film box-office takings, summer super-hero film  Iron Man 3 has become the fifth top-grossing film of all time,  having now made $1.14 billion worldwide, surpassing the takings of previous fifth place movie Transformers: Dark of the Moon. Well, its certainly true that one shouldn’t confuse financial success with quality, as that Transformers film’s success proves, but I must confess I was frankly gob-smacked at this news regards Iron Man 3.  I thought it was an ‘okay’ movie but in no way did I ever suspect it would prove to be the hit it apparently is.

I guess if nothing else it should make Robert Downey Jr’s negotiations regards Iron Man 4 something of a headache for the notoriously level-headed and cost-concious Marvel Studios executives.

But what is it about Iron Man? I remember feeling rather ‘meh’ several years ago when the first film was announced, as I had thought the character rather low-tier/ second-rate Marvel, but I was proven wrong back then and look to be continually so-proven today. The public sure loves the metal hero, or at least Robert Downey Jr’s charismatic, stylish performance (really, though, considering his other movie performances, is Downey ever playing a character or just himself? Is his Tony Stark a great leap from his Sherlock Holmes?). To what then do we account for the huge success of the film, and indeed the character/Downey’s presence towards the success of the Avengers movie, which is even higher up in third place on the all-time list?

The public certainly doesn’t seem to be tiring of super-hero movies, which no doubt has Warner Bros drooling at the prospects of its imminent Man of Steel movie. Personally while I enjoy the movies I’m beginning to think Marvel Studios is becoming some kind of monster devouring critics and box-office records in its path. Where will it all end?

This does bring to mind something I saw on BBC News a few weeks ago. It was an item raising the perceived low-importance of female characters in current films, poor roles for actresses and the perhaps continuing male-dominance of the film industry, particularly in America.  One of the women interviewed was a UK producer, I forget her name but she did state that it all may be symptomatic of the way Hollywood makes movies now, particularly its blockbusters. Her point was that as Hollywood is aiming its films at an ever-more international market (I believe the Chinese print of Iron Man 3 actually has a few scenes/shots unique to that territory), its easier to ‘sell/translate’ these films to foreign markets by minimising dialogue and simplifying plot-lines, and emphasising the visuals. An action sequence translates into any language and can be understood by anybody on the planet, as opposed to a dialogue-heavy, twisting plot that might be culturally unique or have elements at odds with certain beliefs/cultures. So women play a minor role in blockbuster films which instead of characterisation extol action and visual spectacle.  Likewise we get stupid films like Star Trek Into Darkness (currently $258 million worldwide after about two weeks) that is littered with crowd-pleasing vacuous ‘wow’ moments that sell just as easily to a kid in California as to a kid in Shanghai or Sydney.  Let’s have a shot of the Enterprise-in-hiding raising itself out of the ocean in a huge fx shot to wow the cinema-goers who won’t think about how more secret and low-key it would have been just to keep the damn ship out of sight in orbit.

I guess what this means is that I’m going to be even more annoyed by crass stupidity in script-writing in future, as the box-office takings of these films seem to prove it actually works. Hollywood is more about making money than making great films after-all (its nice when both happen together but that seems to be a rarity). Films apparently don’t have to really make sense as much as they need to be making money. Nothing new I know, but as bigger budgets infer bigger financial risk, studios will increasingly play it safe in a need to sell their product to ever-more international markets. Which is a bit of an ominous prospect for me at least, because that seems to translate as Bigger, Louder, Dumber, Safer.

Iron Man 3 (2013)

iron3Iron Man 3 is certainly  a welcome improvement on the ill-judged Iron Man 2. Unfortunately it suffers the hardship of following on from the superlative Avengers movie (a problem also shared by the impending Captain America and Thor sequels). There is just no way it could live up to that movies huge epic scale, and for the most part, it doesn’t seem as if it even wants to. It just follows its own path, albeit with some welcome consideration of the impact that the events of the Avengers movie would have on the characters, particularly Iron Man himself, who glimpsed  things through the wormhole that have left a mark on his once overconfident psyche. It may be somewhat superficial in execution but its surprising nonetheless. Just a pity it involves an irritating and needless child sidekick for some of the movie.

In this film,  Tony Stark (Robert Downey Jr) stays out of the Iron Man suit for a lot of the time, even for many of the action sequences, and I can understand the logic behind it. Its a problem many of these comicbook films suffer from- why spend millions for a ‘star’ actor only to hide them behind a mask for most of the time? Indeed, it could be anyone once the mask is on. There is also the dramatic element of seeing the hero’s face/eyes etc and emphasising with the character, rather than the distancing (albeit iconic), features of a mask.  As a dramatic device I can appreciate its value, but it is something that irritated me endlessly with the Spiderman movies- in every film’s grande finale he seems to spend most of the time without the mask even on.

In the case of Iron Man3, it can be argued that over three movies prior, we’ve seen everything there is to see regards Iron Man suited up in action. We know what he can do. Having the character out of the suit and in jeopardy can only increase the tension (and get the studio more quality time ‘seeing’ the expensive actor rather than his cgi double, so everyone wins).

Unfortunately by the film’s end it falls into the same old trap as many other blockbusters, resorting to the eye-candy of OTT cgi and explosions and shouting etc. We still get to see Downey Jr out of his suit but instead replace him with forty-plus automated Iron Men battling an army of superhumans that glow in the dark.  It sums up all the current thinking in Hollywood and these epic sequels (what’s more exciting than a cityblock being totalled? Lets see a city destroyed! (Transformers 3), or in this case,  what’s more exciting than one Iron Man? Lets have forty!). Its supposed to be exciting but it really serves to undermine the dramatic tension and betrays a lack of imagination and ambition. I couldn’t care less about the cgi cartoon uber-violence. The real dramatics are of Stark and the villain rival Aldrich Killian (Guy Pearce) battling, even though even that is somewhat undone by the cgi effects. And in a curious similarity to events in Star Trek Into Darkness, even death no longer means anything when you have Magic Blood.  Hell, seems anyone can be a super-hero these days. Maybe Paltrow will get her own Super Pepper spin-off movie.

Star Trek Into Darkness (2013): First Thoughts

Crikey. Even the title doesn’t make sense.  What hope then for the movie?

trekdarkFirst thoughts.  I’ll attempt to keep this spoiler-free but proceed with caution if you intend to see the film. I’ll return to this film later on in detail, but for this post I’ll try to keep things general with a few observations about the film that initially bugged me. For the most part, the same things that bothered me about the 2009 reboot concern me with this movie too. Maybe even more so.

I’m beginning to think that all the concerns about over-the-top, excessive set-pieces and excessive cgi in modern films are just a smoke-screen distracting us from the real culprit regards bad movies, and that’s the scripts. Because scripts are pretty bad these days, full of howling plot-holes. But most of us just moan about the OTT visuals and cgi, while others just love all that stuff anyway and are so distracted by it they don’t seem to care/notice about the plot-holes.  I’m quite alarmed at so many fawning reviews of this movie, raving about how wonderful it is. I cannot believe these reviewers saw the same film I did. It reminds me of Oblivion– not a terrible movie by any means, but most reviews champion it as the best sci-fi movie in years, completely ignoring all the massive plot-holes in it. Yes it looked very good but the script took huge liberties with the audience’s goodwill and common-sense, and I think that’s very true of this film too.

I guess it depends on what you want from a movie. If you just want dumb, popcorn entertainment with bang-for-your-buck eye-candy, then yeah, Star Trek Into Darkness, dumb title aside, serves it up on a platter. But too often that whole ‘popcorn entertainment’ argument is used as an excuse for bad storytelling and I think we deserve more.  How about thoughtful characterisation, character arcs, profound ideas, emotional involvement. Realistic effects of violence even rather than cartoon, superhuman displays? I walked out of this screening thinking back to Blade Runner, and Harrison Ford’s Deckard being bruised, aching and battered after his fights with Zhora and Leon- his cuts and bruises, his bloody nose. This is a hero who hurt, felt pain, got post-traumatic shakes that sent him to the nearest drink. Nowadays our heroes are like Supermen from Krypton. Think about what some of the characters in this Star Trek film go through with nary a scratch or a bruise.

Fully accepting that Star Trek is your typical sci-fi/space fantasy nonsense, I do find these reboots somewhat disconcerting. Disclosure here- I’m a fan of the original 1960s Star Trek. I couldn’t really care less for The Next Generation or Deep Space Nine or Voyager etc. so I don’t consider myself a die-hard Trekkie or Trekker or whatever else they call themselves these days. But I do love the old show, hammy acting and creaky sets, dodgy costumes and the rest. For all the many faults of that old show, it always seemed to make sense somehow.  But even taking into account the inherent silliness of Star Trek‘s premise, these new films do seem to have gone too far.  I also believe they are being very cynical in how they are using established characters and settings and then not have to be faithful or honest with it, simply because they can use the lame excuse of the  ‘alternate timeline’ nonsense and pretty much get away with everything. The writers say they are being honest and careful of the shows mythology but on the evidence of these two films I don’t believe it. There are awkward moments in the new film that replay certain moments from the second original Trek movie in particular for no reason at all other than to manipulate the audiences expectations. It doesn’t earn any emotional pay-off; indeed it comes across as ill-judged and embarrassing.  It makes me nervous regards how new film-makers are going to treat the future Star Wars movies. I’ll go into the scene in particular in  a later blog once everyone has seen the film, but if you have seen it, you will know what I’m alluding to.

Even set in a far-future setting, a story or mythology needs to have an internal logic, a self-consistency if you will.  A set of parameters in order for anything to, well, mean anything.  In a time-travel story it might be not being able to interfere with your own timeline, such as killing your grandfather, or meeting yourself in the past and changing time,  and all that paradox involves. In Star Trek, it might be the use of a Universal Translator to explain why everyone speaks English,  or the vast distances between stars, and the time it takes to travel to them. It might take days at Warp One, or hours at Warp Nine, but all that makes the distances mean something. Stuff like that. The vast canvas of the galaxy means nothing at all if you just rip all that up just to suit a lazy plot mechanic (and don’t get me started on the Magic Blood. Yes. Magic Blood! But I digress….)

Here’s what is wrong with the rebooted Star Trek: like Prometheus and so many other recent films, it doesn’t really make any sense, the writers have dismantled all internal logic, let rip with all the plot holes they can muster, and then tried to hide it with madcap pacing and loud explosions and huge effects, and yes, in the case of this Trek reboot, endless lens flare. Everything serves the ‘wow’ factor, like in so many modern blockbusters.  Just like in the 2009 movie, they always seem to go too far with everything. Are we really to believe that a character can transport himself from on board a shuttle on Earth, all the way to the Klingon Homeworld? Even if you allow for something as silly as that to pass, then why not follow it through- why can’t the other characters immediately give chase by doing the same, even though the guy who invented the tech is a part of the crew? Why risk triggering interstellar war and a Starship’s crew of 500 when you can just teleport a crack team after the fugitive?  For that matter, as soon as trouble (Kirk and his cronies) eventually turns up via old-fashioned ultra-slow starship, why not just transport himself someplace else? Its all part of the internal logic. Once it starts to break down it all caves in. If they had just stated that the guy had teleported up to a ship in orbit which then warped over to Klingon then that would be fine, job sorted.

I asked the question regards the 2009 film when it pulled a similar transporter trick; why bother with starships at all? The scriptwriters just seem to take the piss just for the hell of it, as they pull all sorts of similar tricks.  Stuck in Klingon space, Kirk picks up his communicator and has a chat with Scotty back on Earth. Doesn’t that bother anybody? It might take warp-speeds and hours/days to travel places in starships but you can use a teleporter to instantly travel across the stars and a handset communicator can give you instant one-one-one chat with anybody anywhere. They even repeat the injury later on. Hmm, I need some advice, lets ring my alternate Spock over on New Vulcan and have a quick chat.

The pace of the film is distracting too. Have modern audiences the attention span of a meat-fly? Seriously. How else to explain that modern blockbusters seem pre-occupied with loud explosions and massive effects and people running around and loud explosions and people shouting and more massive effects and more explosions and  nary a moment to pause for, maybe, a character beat or something old-fashioned like that? Do producers edit scripts by just chucking all that character motivation stuff out and instead leave all the loud fast stunt-filled stuff in? Do they keep the mad crazy pace up to the max in these movies so the audience won’t have time to pause, take stock and notice all the gaping plot-holes? I’d really like to know.