I think I’m going to start writing a blog titled “A Moron’s Guide To Movies” in which two guys who have never watched a film made prior to 2012 and have no idea who Alfred Hitchcock, Stanley Kubrick, David Lean or Steven Spielberg are, write about watching really old movies made before -gosh!- 1999:
Tonight Bert and I watched Blade Runner. Bert thought it was a film about cutlery, which he said he thought was cool because he’d never seen a film about knives and forks before. “Bernie,” he said, “maybe its about kitchen sports, an animated film with talking spoons etc, like Toy Story but with cutlery, and the hero is a steak knife that wants to run in a race!” I told him I didn’t think so, because it was made in 1982 and they didn’t make animated movies back then because they didn’t have computers. Bert looked a bit deflated by that, he was getting a bit excited about his cutlery movie, ‘cuz he works in a Burger place and he knows everything there is to know about kitchen hygiene and plastic cutlery. Someday someone will make that movie, I assured him, and talking spoons will be the coolest thing on the planet. “Why has nobody made that movie yet?” Bert sulked. I don’t know Bert, I sighed, but I do know this Blade Runner flick ain’t that movie.
It reminded of the time we watched that 1986 horror film The Fly, and we thought it would be a film about a restaurant terrorised by kamikaze flies crashing into customers soup. We had such a shock when it turned out to be some kind of snuff movie, but when Bert threw up during some of the icky bits, what he brought up did look a whole lot like my grandma’s vegetable soup. I still find what look like bits of pea in the carpet under the sofa, that stuff went everywhere.
Is it all over for the humble blogger? Have we been usurped by the YouTube idiots who have realised that people can’t be arsed to actually read, that they are much more content (bread and circuses and all that) passively watching YouTube reaction videos by people who actually know nothing about what they are talking about? Professional movie critics, love ’em or hate ’em, they must realise their own days are numbered too. Who wants to read informed and erudite opinions and critique when you can watch some vacuous twit spouting off on the telly or on your phone? Ye Gods the stupidity of people: never underestimate it, people will always surprise you, the idiocy that can slip out of peoples mouths.
This morning I watched a young woman review 2001: A Space Odyssey with the revelation that it was released in 1968 (over half a century ago!) but she’d only first heard about it a few days prior, adding that it was written and directed by Stanley Kubrick, who she’s never heard of because well, she not really seen ‘older films’ but this is in COLOUR which is interesting because she would have assumed it would have been in black and white as its so old.
Steady on Ghost, watch your blood pressure (never could have guessed watching YouTube could be so dangerous to one’s health). Christ maybe its all an act. Yeah, she’s performing, she’s playing a role. She confuses the opening Dawn of Man sequence to be set on Mars for some reason. She’s pretty and charismatic with the camera, maybe its all just a demo reel thing for a job on the telly, I’ve seen worse on the box, I’m sure.
She isn’t alone though, bless her. It seems the less knowledgeable you are about movies, indeed the more ignorant you are, the better qualified you are to make reaction videos. Some of them must be a wind-up (“Tonight we’re going to watch Alien, I’ve never seen it but I guess its something set in space?” having not heard anything of the chestburster, or “Today I’m watching The Empire Strikes Back, I’ve never seen or heard anything about these Star Wars films but I just watched the first movie” and of course SO shocked by Lukes parentage). Come on people, this is the Information Age, these films are deep in our pop culture, you can’t possibly have lived under a rock for so long, and if you have you are ABSOLUTELY the worst, least-qualified people to spout off about movies. But its all part of the act, isn’t it? These are “Gosh! Wow! I don’t believe it!” videos people watch to watch people be surprised/shocked, its gogglebox for geeks and nerds (and no, I never understood the appeal of gogglebox either).
Anyway, message to self: approach YouTube videos with caution. Its not good. And maybe work that talking spoons movie up into a script, I think I might be onto something.