Transformers 4: Age of Extinction (2014)

trans4Best film I have ever seen. This was all so amazingly cool, there is nothing as awesome as giant robots and big guns and explosions, and this one has some really awesome explosions. This one guy, he gets caught in an explosion and turned to charcoal or something, like, frozen in midstride, still smoking and everything. Thats so nasty, and he was a cool dude too, he had a surfboard or something on the roof of his car. But anyway, I’m getting ahead of myself, because the beginning of this film, oh man, BEST BEGINNING OF ANY FILM EVER! Spaceships and dinosaurs man!

See, the film starts with this huge space fleet flying over the Earth, and then there’s dinosaurs, so I figure, wow, we back in time, dudes, never expected that, so these spaceships turn up, and start BOMBING THE GODDAM DINOSAURS! Hell yeah! Bloody big explosions dude! So I’m thinking, wow, so THATS what made the dinosaurs extinct- they were NUKED BY GODDAM ALIENS! That Mike Bay fella is some kind of genius, goddam that’s some creative shit.

trans4bThen we are back in present day and my man Mark Warlberg turns up. He fixes things in his big barn, like a mechanic or something, and I figure right away, man that’s a really useful skillset if any giant robots need a repair. And then, pow, there’s a beat-up old truck in an old cinema. Now this made me really suspicious, like, who parks a truck inside a cinema? And whadya know, but this truck is full of bullet-holes and shell casings and my man Mark takes it home and- well,lets be frank, that dipshit Shia LeBoof fella wouldn’t know a wrench from a ladle, he wouldn’t have a clue what to do but Mark, he’s The Man. So he fixes this truck up and BAM! well you could knock me down with a duck feather its ONLY OPTIMUS PRIME! Man what a twist, I never saw that coming, I mean, I figured something was up but yes sir, its Optimus himself.
trans4dNow I pride myself on being a cine-ocultist, you know, one of those fancy smart cinema-savy experts like you see reviewing movies on the tv, so it takes something special to catch me unawares but I got to tell you, this Transformers 4 had me pinned to my armchair the whole way through, and I wasn’t even watching it in no 3D neither. It twisted and turned until I couldn’t tell you what the hell was going on, except that it was real loud and shit. Turns out that psychologist guy from tv is a government heavy who has used his psycho sorcery to brain-wash the good folks of America into believing that Optimus and his kin are bad guys. Wow that is some low down dirty trick to pull on a bunch of God-fearing patriotic robots who have saved us in films one, two and three of the trilogy. I couldn’t tell you the number of times the Stars and Stripes were flown high and proud in those movies, and this Frasier dude has the temerity to claim our heroes are UNAMERICAN? Oh man, I damn near threw my bud at the tv screen a few times, let me tell you. Gets so bad Optimus threatens to leave Earth, OH NO, I shouted, (aint ashamed to admit, I had tears in my eyes). DON’T GO OPTIMUS! WE NEED YOU BUDDY!

See these Government jerks are making their own giant robots and well, like any other jackass Government project they done messed it up and made a whole load of bad robots, hell, not only that, but the damn jerks, they’ve only rebuilt MEGATON himself! How stupid is that? Yes sir the big bad ass Darth-Vader-In-A-Leather-Seated-Chevvy himself. Oh man that Mike Bay fella must be the greatest moviemaker alive he even manages to throw in Robot-Dinosaurs too! And they’re on OUR SIDE! Well, to be honest I think they are actually Chinese, but fairs fair, they see Optimus in trouble and they step up, yes sir. Optimus rides in like John Wayne, bless him, sorting out the bad robots in this huge battle that’s so realistic I have to admit I lost track of what was going on, but that’s what war is like, man, its hell and you never know where the next bullet is coming from (or in this case flying robot lizard). Its crazy shit and Bay never falters from telling you The Way It Is, you just got to sit back goggle-eyed and let the carnage flash by in front of you. trans4eThe one good thing is it aint American soil getting burned this time, thank the Good Lord, its just some place in China called Kong Kong or something. Optimus and his boys save the day but not without The Man, yessir Mark himself stepping up the American Way with a big-ass alien gun. Damn fine shooting from my boy Mark, but I expected nothing less. By the way, his daughter is hot, hot, hot. Such interesting and talented women in these Transformer films.

I aint never seen three hours fly by so quick, it was all a blur, infact I had to have a lie down afterwards I had such a huge bloody headache from the noise and all the twists and turns of the fiendish plot. Dare say those liberal bleeding-heart fancy pants in Hollywood won’t give this film the Oscars it deserves just ‘cos they don’t get no parts in ’em. I only hope Mr Bay makes a fifth film in this epic trilogy as fast as he can ‘cos I cannot wait to see what happens next. I think next time he should make two at the same time so we get even more robot action and twice the explosions and he can make twice the money. These Transformer films never get old, best films ever made, absolutely- I absolutely loved this movie.

5 thoughts on “Transformers 4: Age of Extinction (2014)

  1. Pingback: Transformers: Age of Extinction is new to Sky Movies today but I haven’t seen it and I don’t intend to | 100 Films in a Year

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